SKETCHY DUDES
by Mike Phirman

[ACT 1]
Every time I step on a bus, a plane, or a train,
I find myself right next to a guy who's just shy of insane
Sometimes they don't make a peep
Sometimes they feel the need to speak
and give us all advice like, "Don't go near the creek!"

There's a guy on the other side of the street
smoking a cigarette
Even though it's sunny outside
somehow he's just a silhouette
They keep popping up like zombies
in the movie "Dawn of the Dead"
Can't tell if the guy right here
wants to eat my lunch or eat my head
So I'm saying

One
sketchy dude
And another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I ask you

One
sketchy dude
and another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I'm asking

That guy wearing eye make-up
with his hair dyed black
and the piercings in his ear
I wish that he were sitting by me
instead of this dude here
This guy in the rain coat just keeps
staring at me and calling me "Slim"
Now some clown in a Burger King crow is
hiding—that's right—hiding behind him

Then later down by the Quiznos
guy with cornrows starts to shake
He's freaking out, he's having a nightmare
while he's still awake
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna see a murder
within the next three stops
I'd close my eyes, but I want to have
something to tell the cops
Something like

One
sketchy dude
And another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I ask you

One
sketchy dude
and another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I'm asking

(Sketchy Dudes Parade)

One
sketchy dude
And another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I ask you

One
sketchy dude
and another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Will they overcome? (it's happening)
Should I get a gun? (might have to)
No escaping from these sketchy dudes


[ACT 2]
So sad
You were killed while recording that song
about sketchy dudes
There was a knock at the door
You went to see who it was
And then you were killed

At first I thought it was a joke, like,
"Oh I get it—he's surrounded by sketchy dudes.
Even in his own home and now they're even in the studio. But when you didn't come to the barbecue that you said you go to if I went, too—well then I knew, then I knew that you were really killed.

But wait, how did that make it into the final recording... if you'd just been killed? How, unless the killer... mixed down the song after killing you... and then emailed it to me? Which means... he not only knew how to kill you, he also knew your email password. Oh this just keeps getting worse.

It also means he has my email address. I could be next! I better watch my back!

[ACT 3]
Good afternoon, I'm a homicide detective
Here to investigate the murders of two recording artists
Can I ask you a couple of questions?
Let's begin

Were the victims... ah huh, ah huh...
Did they ever make it seem like... ah huh, ah huh...
Did anyone ever come around acting like they might have been... ah huh, ah huh, ah huh...
So let me get this straight

First guy's singing about sketchy dudes, then he dies
Next guy sings about him and then he dies
Well, I think I know who the murderer was
It was... it was... it was... it was HIM!
(Hey, get off me! Yeah, fine I did it. I killed them both. How'd you know?)

A good cop's only as good as his informant
And I got the best kind of informant
Why not come out and take a bow, informant
Or should I say... "Sketchy Dude!"
That's right, Sketchy Dude
You never killed anyone, did you?
Even though, I kinda looked like you had
You were working for us as a very unlikely informant
You're the eyes and ears of the police department
And we need you