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lyrics

LYRICS

I’m glad we’re moving on
That we’ve both gotten over it
Our break-up was pretty bad there for a while

I look back and feel stupid
It’s stupid I was mad
I’ve been so juvenile

But now that's all over
And peace has been made
There's just one little thing unsaid that needs to be... "sayed"

So... that time a guy drove by and threw a sandwich at your head—that was me
Last Thursday night when the nightclub said they lost your coat—that was me
Social Security believes that you are dead—thanks to me
When in the shower, you found that tongue instead of soap
That was me.
That was me.

I feel really good, the truth is coming out
And I’m just glad we didn’t let things go too far
I may have spent $591.18 on ruining your life,
But I can’t afford to let our friendship fall apart

Thank God that’s all over
The pain's at an end
And we can be happy as friends
I think enough time has passed
that we can look back and laugh
I know I can

The last three chapters of all your books that were all torn out—that was me
Who signed you up for the Scientology mailing list?—that was me
Somebody peed in your Britta™—and that somebody's me
Who wrote that email virus hoping it would get to you? (and I'll bet it did)
That was me.
That was me.

Then someone told you I was sorry
In a note left on your door
That, that was my roommate,
and because of that,
He’s no one's roommate anymore

I think we’ve learned a lot from this
God knows I have.
I learned how to:
Sign your name
Plug your drain
Make it rain
Plant drugs
Drug your plants
Shrink your pants
Post videos of you throwing up in your hands

And I was responsible for the events of September 11... 2008. They year somebody stuffed a banana in your grandma's tailpipe. And when I say "tailpipe," I'm really sorry

And that time you thought that there was just one more stair—that was me
And when that guy hit your new boyfriend with a bat—that was NOT me
But... he did it on my behalf for a fee
That filled in crossword—that was me

Your new car was dirty and someone wrote “Wash Me” on the hood with a key
And shot your dog... into space
And that time you got drunk at the costume party and hooked up with that Japanese dude that never called you back... Hai!
And on that online message board, who said, “You should go rent Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"?

I didn't think you'd actually DO it

That was me...
The old me.

credits

from The Very Last Songs I Will Ever Record (Part 1), released May 17, 2010
Written, performed, and produced by Mike Phirman.

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