Santa Gave Me $100

by Mike Phirman

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lyrics

Santa gave me a hundred dollars
Santa gave me a hundred bucks
Santa gave me a hundred dollars,
But now he wants it back

He says he brought it to the wrong house
Gave it to the wrong guy
Says he meant to take it to my neighbor but it went to me
Says I didn’t earn it
Don’t really deserve it
So now I "owe owe owe" him a hundred bucks

“I just can’t believe it—this is too good to be true!” I cried
When I opened up the envelope that had a hundred bucks inside
It sank in
I freaked out
I fell down
I jumped up and laughed and danced and baked a cake
Santa gave me a hundred dollars
But now he says it was a mistake

He says he blames it on a new elf
One he just hired
Plus I was his very last stop and he was super tired
He says he doesn't need the money today
But "Accounting" would like it by Tuesday
Said I could pay him back with PayPal
Pay him back with Venmo
If it‘s possible he would prefer to use cash
It’s cooool if I cut a check and stick it to the chimney if I can keep it from getting covered in ash

See now the problem is I spent it
Every last cent it was
gone before I heard it wasn't meant for me
I went and bought some stuff
I got a box of Reese’s Pieces, but that wasn’t enough
I love The Rock, so I got an autograph of his
And then I paid for some in-app purchases
I bought a book of big words that I want to learn
And a pair of long, green shorts that I can’t return
I upgraded all my cat food
And finally I got a necklace with my name on it—see, “Davis Lewis"

Wait, your name’s Davis Lewis?
Yes, Santa.
Not Lewis Davis?
Lewis Davis? No, I'm Davis Lewis.
Welp. I’m at the wrong house.
Wrong house? Are you saying that I'm NOT the one that owes you the money?
Correct?
This Lewis Davis guy does?
Yup.
Well!

That guy owes you a hundred dollars
That guy owes you a hundred bucks
I get to keep my hundred dollars
You're gonna get your hundred dollars...

“Merry Christmas! And keep your receipts!"

(The one time I don’t check it twice!)

credits

released December 13, 2019
Written, produced, and performed by Mike Phirman

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