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Promise Me

by Mike Phirman

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I've been wanting to make this song for like 12 years. The LEAST you could do is pay tens of thousands of dollars for it and then spend your days standing around in front of the market telling people about how it's changed your life. NO WAIT! That's the most you could do. Sorry. The least you could do... ah, it's kinda too late because you're already reading this and the least you could've done would've been to just look at the title and think to yourself Nah. Anyway, you've come this far—enjoy!


Promise me you'll be good
Promise me you'll keep your teeth freshly brushed
Promise me you'll say "thank you," and please
keep the toilet freshly flushed

Promise me you'll give as much in charity as you take
And keep your toenail trimmings in a souvenir cup
Promise me that when you’re in the library, you'll keep it down
unless you’re already being quiet... in which case... keep it up

Can you promise me?
I want to hear you say it
Even if the way you say it's just a "yup"
Can you promise me?
I want to know you'll get back up every time you fall
and fall back down every time you get up
Just promise me... that

Swear you won't forget that the best way to get weird looks is to give them
Swear if somebody says they're sorry you’ll put your nose up to their heart and, if it smells good, then you'll forgive them
(Only if it physically smells good)

Promise me that you agree a song like this one shouldn’t be the only kind with lines like this one, should it?
Promise that you’ll never take the elevator because... where would you even put it?

Can you promise me?
I'm asking you to say it
Even if there is no way it can all be done… today
Can you promise me?
I'm not interested in "maybes"
Just look right here and say to me
You'll spend a day a week delivering babies to hospitals
This is all I ask of you.

He wants you to make him a promise
Make it with love
Make it with stuff there’s more than enough of
Like unicorn manes and the brains of a dove and miles of piles of smiles

Promise that you’ll always climb a mountain past the top
And never let a plane you're flying land
Promise me you’ll never sleep until you are officially (What?) the fastest tuba player in the band!


Can you promise me?
I need to hear you say
"I will frost a pie, dot a 't' and cross an 'i' "
Can you promise me?
Tell tomato sauce good-bye and eat a plate of pasta dry
grow dreadlocks like a Rasta guy
and when somebody asks you why
you tell them, "I MADE A PROMISE."

Me: Well... what do you think?
M&E: Father, we cannot promise ANY of that stuff.
Me: Oh... what about just... brushing your teeth?
M: I can do that.
E: Yeah we can do that.
Me: Well that's good enough!


released September 18, 2023
Written, Produced, and Performed by Mike Phirman
Kids-who-won't-promise-what-they-know-they-won't-be-able-to-do played by Milo and Eli

*No doves were harmed in the making of this song.




Mike Phirman California

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