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about
I've been wanting to make this song for like 12 years. The LEAST you could do is pay tens of thousands of dollars for it and then spend your days standing around in front of the market telling people about how it's changed your life. NO WAIT! That's the most you could do. Sorry. The least you could do... ah, it's kinda too late because you're already reading this and the least you could've done would've been to just look at the title and think to yourself Nah. Anyway, you've come this far—enjoy!
lyrics
VERSE 1
Promise me you'll be good
Promise me you'll keep your teeth freshly brushed
Promise me you'll say "thank you," and please
keep the toilet freshly flushed
Promise me you'll give as much in charity as you take
And keep your toenail trimmings in a souvenir cup
Promise me that when you’re in the library, you'll keep it down
unless you’re already being quiet... in which case... keep it up
CHORUS 1
Can you promise me?
I want to hear you say it
Even if the way you say it's just a "yup"
Can you promise me?
I want to know you'll get back up every time you fall
and fall back down every time you get up
Just promise me... that
VERSE 2
Swear you won't forget that the best way to get weird looks is to give them
Swear if somebody says they're sorry you’ll put your nose up to their heart and, if it smells good, then you'll forgive them
(Only if it physically smells good)
Promise me that you agree a song like this one shouldn’t be the only kind with lines like this one, should it?
(Maybe?)
Promise that you’ll never take the elevator because... where would you even put it?
CHORUS 2
Can you promise me?
I'm asking you to say it
Even if there is no way it can all be done… today
Can you promise me?
I'm not interested in "maybes"
Just look right here and say to me
You'll spend a day a week delivering babies to hospitals
This is all I ask of you.
BRIDGE
He wants you to make him a promise
Make it with love
Make it with stuff there’s more than enough of
Like unicorn manes and the brains of a dove and miles of piles of smiles
BREAKDOWN
Promise that you’ll always climb a mountain past the top
And never let a plane you're flying land
Promise me you’ll never sleep until you are officially (What?) the fastest tuba player in the band!
TUBA SOLO
CHORUS 3
Can you promise me?
I need to hear you say
"I will frost a pie, dot a 't' and cross an 'i' "
Can you promise me?
Tell tomato sauce good-bye and eat a plate of pasta dry
grow dreadlocks like a Rasta guy
and when somebody asks you why
you tell them, "I MADE A PROMISE."
OUTRO
Me: Well... what do you think?
M&E: Father, we cannot promise ANY of that stuff.
Me: Oh... what about just... brushing your teeth?
M: I can do that.
E: Yeah we can do that.
Me: Well that's good enough!
credits
released September 18, 2023
Written, Produced, and Performed by Mike Phirman
Kids-who-won't-promise-what-they-know-they-won't-be-able-to-do played by Milo and Eli
The album that inspired "Not This Time (The Kaiju Song)". I love Joseph's comedy, and the accompanying compilation album has some great tracks (see Kevin Murphy's "Goodbye Mister Alcohol"). *Explicit Mike Phirman
Robins decided to release the recording of his 2016 comedy tour during the Covid-19 shutdown at the behest of fans. Bandcamp New & Notable May 29, 2020
Comedian Chris Gethard’s hilarious new surprise album is devoted to the great state of New Jersey, and the great state of New Jersey alone. Bandcamp New & Notable Dec 18, 2019