The Very Last Songs I Will Ever Record (Part 1)

by Mike Phirman

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This is the perfect album to listen to while walking, driving, dancing, roller skating, but NOT KILLING PEOPLE.



released May 17, 2010

All songs written, performed*, and produced by Mike Phirman

Recorded and Produced at PHIRMILAB, CA

Mastered by Joe Gastwirt Mastering, Oak Park, CA

*Except featured vocals where noted

Dannah, "Weird Al" Yankovic!, Danielle Kaplowitz, Lon Sterling, Arthur Feinglass, Jerry Pulles, Danielle Schneider, Joe Gastwirt, Ma, Dad, Chris Hardwick, Pete Hulne & Mike Coleman for building PHIRMILAB-A, Colin & Ronit Plank, Barry McLaughlin, Tom J. Deters, Sheldon Gomberg, The Upright Citizens Brigade, You the person that actually reads these, the letter "K", but especially Dannah




Track Name: Chicken Monkey Duck
by Mike Phirman

Monkey chicken chicken,
Monkey Chicken, duck duck,
Chicken monkey monkey, Chicken Monkey,
chicken chicken monkey duck.
Monkey duck,
Chicken duck,
Monkey monkey duck duck,
Chicken Monkey, chicken chicken monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”

Chicken chicken monkey duck,
Chicken Monkey, duck duck,
Chicken chicken monkey,
Chicken monkey,
Chicken duck.
Chicken duck duck,
Chicken monkey monkey duck,
“Chicken Monkey Duck?”
Chicken duck.
Monkey duck duck:
Chicken chicken, monkey,
Chicken, monkey monkey, Chicken Monkey.
Chicken chicken monkey?
Chicken, monkey monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”

Chicken chicken, monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”
Chicken chicken, duck.
Chicken Monkey, monkey,
Chicken Monkey—chicken duck.

Duck, Chicken Monkey,
Chicken chicken monkey, chicken.
Duck duck,
Chicken chicken, duck.
Chicken, monkey monkey,

Duck duck, Chicken Monkey,
Chicken chicken, monkey.
Chicken Chicken (monkey monkey),
Chicken monkey,
“Chicken Monkey Duck.”

Chicken chicken chicken,
Monkey monkey,
Chicken Monkey:
Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck,
Track Name: Clear the Floor
by Mike Phirman

Come on
Gonna get your body rocking
Gonna make you make you move with this
Can I be honest?
I'm not too crazy about this beat right here
Do you think we could just start over?

I'm giving up on this beat
The snare comes in way too soon
And the bass ain't pumpin'
No, the bass ain't right at all
I'm giving up on this beat
It just didn't come together
No one'll be jumpin'
When they play this at the club

No, I'm just not feelin' it
I'm just not feelin' it
No I'm just not feelin' it
I'm just not feelin' it
You better turn it off or else we're gonna

Clear the floor
Gonna clear the dance floor
This song's gonna clear the dance floor
Gonna clear the floor
Gonna clear the dance floor
This song's gonna make people walk away

Ooo, that was a really awkward breakdown
I totally lost the beat
And I'm sure I'm not the only one
How long has this song been going on?
Three minutes? Four minutes?
(A minute and a half)
Are you kidding me?!
I'm giving up on this beat
Sounds like the drum machine is acting up
Try turning it off and turning it back on

Nope. Still sounds bad.
I'm still just not feelin' it
I'm just not feelin' it
I'm still just not feelin' it
You know it's not too late to quit

Cos if we don't we're
Gonna clear the floor
Gonna clear the dance floor
This song's gonna clear the dance floor
Gonna clear the floor
Gonna clear the dance floor
This song's gonna make dancers walk away

This part is WAY too slow
No one would know how to dance to it
(how would they move?)
Unless they just bob around
Bob around
DJ, let that beat go

Let it go
Let it go
No, seriously, just let it GO

Oh my God...
Any time you want to stop is just fine with me
Any time y'all want to stop is just fine with me
So many things wrong with this song
It's time to fade out
Let's do a fade out
It's time to fade out
Hurry up and fade out

Oh thank God. Oh thank God
Please don't remix this.
Track Name: Lollytown
by Mike Phirman

i ride unicorns and i like candy
i go to the beach and i get sandy
there's nothing i like more than my friends

i was four before i was five
i sailed on a cloud before i was alive
my dreams are wings
and life is a slide
come slide with me
and we can be friends

we can ride bikes
and we can finger paint
and play with yarn
and cut out shapes
anything is fine
as long as it's me
me and my friends
Track Name: Street Meat (You Keep Tauntin' Me)
by Mike Phirman

Sitting with my doctor in midtown.
Just had a check-up, he's breaking it down:

"No more taking the train", says the doc to me.
"You've got to walk a lot more, and more importantly,
you've got to pay attention to what you eat.
Less meat or your heart is going to cease to beat.
If you see a street cart, just keep moving on,
or this time next year, you'll be dead and gone."


So I step out of the door and already it starts:
I'm getting picked on by the smells from the street carts.
"Hey, look who's trying to be healthy," they say
"Oh, don't act like you don't see me today!"
Leave me alone, Street Meat.
Man, I'm not in the mood.
Sorry, dude, but I gotta do nutritious food
"It's cool. No I get it. Hey man, it's your world.
Gotta keep on that diet like a good little GIRL!"

And as I'm walking past, I can hear you laughing.

Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat?
You taunt me
Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat?
You taunt me
Just stop tauntin' me, Street Meat
You taunt me
I try to move on, but you keep tauntin' mmmay

Oh mmmay
You keep tauntin' mmmay
On every block, much to my dismmmay
You keep tauntin' mmmay
March, April, and Mmmay
"Mother May I?" Yes, you may

There it is, I can see it—without a doubt
That's the cart everybody's been twittering about
Gotta pick up the pace
Make it a race
Me versus all the salt that wants to be in my face

"Oh! Look who it is now! Mr. Highbrow!
Mr. 'Oh Wow, my diet won't allow cow!'
Somebody get him a salad,
he has some kind of malady
maybe it could be some kind of allergy!"

Yeah, alright. You know what?
Nice gyro or gyro or however you say it
I just pray it had an owner
that remembered to spay it
What's next? Make some lures,
throw them down in the sewers,
whatever you catch, gonna throw it on skewers?
Your shawarma's bad karma,
so's your fajita,
I know PETA wouldn't approve of what you put in that pita

"Wow, well said. Point taken. Guess someone else'll eat this JAMAICAN-FRIED BACON."

Damn damn damn damn damn damn

Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat?
You taunt me
Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat?
You taunt me
Just stop tauntin' me, Street Meat
You taunt me
I try to move on, but you keep tauntin' mmmay

Oh mmmay. You keep tauntin' may.
Freddie Mac and Fanny Mmmae
Oh Hi, Louisa Alcott! Say, what's your middle name again? Oh that's right—Mmmay

I dream the same dream every night
it's a carnivorous bender
I'm eatin' everything in sight
I'm talkin' even the vendor

I start with lamb then,
some hog then,
some pieces of a dog scraped off of a fender

I wake up safe in my room, but the odor lingers
I'm chewing on something, turns out (yep!) that's my fingers

Maybe I'll just grab a fork and go surrender
Let 'em lay my salty body in a box
marked "Return to Sender"

"See you tomorrow, PRINCESS!"
Track Name: One for Them & One for Me
by Mike Phirman

I had a job working as a bank teller
Every day from nine a.m. to five
I wore a tie, a jacket, and a smile
Always last to leave and first to arrive
But the bank, it started losing of money
There was panic and whispering in the halls
Then they said that I'm to blame
For I played this little game
As I counted out my customers' withdrawals:

Let's see, that's...

One for them and one for me
One for them and one for me
One for them then another one for me

One goes out and one stays in
One's a loss and one's a win
More for them, well that just means more for me

One for them and one for me
One for them and one for me
A good one for them, but a better one for me

One for them and one for me
One for them and one for me
One for them and one more for old Number One, see

They fired me for that.
Well, I'll never step foot in that place again
And you can take that to the bank
Moving on!

I spent a summer working as an orderly
At a mental institution by the lake
The patients were impatient and disorderly
Their brains had taken more than they could take
I treated them with kindness and compassion
I took them out for walks among the hills
The job was going great
Til one day the nurse was late
And they asked me,
"Could you please pass out the pills?"
And I said...

One for them and one for me
One for them and one for me
One for you and, Oh, don’t mind if I do!

One for them and one for me
A red for them, a red for me
A blue for them, a blue for You Know Who

One goes out and one stays near
One for there and one for here
One for you and you, so two for me

Three for them and three for me
Four for them and four for me
Five for them and five for me
Six for them and six for me
Seven for them and seven for me
Eight for them and eight for me
Nine... nine pills... nine pills
Look at my hands... they're going crazy...

Where was I?
Seriously, I don't know where I was.
Wherever it was, I'm sure I'm not allowed back.
Moving on!

All the food in my home has been eaten
There's broken toys and diapers everywhere
The halls are full of little muddy footprints
And a full second of silence is rare
Little hands, they root through my belongings
My home is the site of a full invasion, see
The place is crawling with babies
'Cause a friend suggested, "Maybe
You could work at that adoption agency."
And it's been...

One for them and one for me
One for them and one for me
One for them that I end up liking, so I keep it

One for them and one for me
A he for them, a he for me
A she for them, another she for me

One for them, one for me
An inch for them, an inch for me
I give 2000 pounds, I keep a ton

One for them and one for me
One for them then one for me
Then two for them, 'cause remember I owe them one.

Life is all about balance, kids!
No, don't balance on that! Now put that down...
Track Name: The Old Me

I’m glad we’re moving on
That we’ve both gotten over it
Our break-up was pretty bad there for a while

I look back and feel stupid
It’s stupid I was mad
I’ve been so juvenile

But now that's all over
And peace has been made
There's just one little thing unsaid that needs to be... "sayed"

So... that time a guy drove by and threw a sandwich at your head—that was me
Last Thursday night when the nightclub said they lost your coat—that was me
Social Security believes that you are dead—thanks to me
When in the shower, you found that tongue instead of soap
That was me.
That was me.

I feel really good, the truth is coming out
And I’m just glad we didn’t let things go too far
I may have spent $591.18 on ruining your life,
But I can’t afford to let our friendship fall apart

Thank God that’s all over
The pain's at an end
And we can be happy as friends
I think enough time has passed
that we can look back and laugh
I know I can

The last three chapters of all your books that were all torn out—that was me
Who signed you up for the Scientology mailing list?—that was me
Somebody peed in your Britta™—and that somebody's me
Who wrote that email virus hoping it would get to you? (and I'll bet it did)
That was me.
That was me.

Then someone told you I was sorry
In a note left on your door
That, that was my roommate,
and because of that,
He’s no one's roommate anymore

I think we’ve learned a lot from this
God knows I have.
I learned how to:
Sign your name
Plug your drain
Make it rain
Plant drugs
Drug your plants
Shrink your pants
Post videos of you throwing up in your hands

And I was responsible for the events of September 11... 2008. They year somebody stuffed a banana in your grandma's tailpipe. And when I say "tailpipe," I'm really sorry

And that time you thought that there was just one more stair—that was me
And when that guy hit your new boyfriend with a bat—that was NOT me
But... he did it on my behalf for a fee
That filled in crossword—that was me

Your new car was dirty and someone wrote “Wash Me” on the hood with a key
And shot your dog... into space
And that time you got drunk at the costume party and hooked up with that Japanese dude that never called you back... Hai!
And on that online message board, who said, “You should go rent Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"?

I didn't think you'd actually DO it

That was me...
The old me.
Track Name: Do Just What I Say
by Mike Phirman

Hey everybody! Guess who's back! You know what it's time for!

Put your hands up
(come on everybody)
Put your hands up
(it's time for everyone to)
Put your hands up, up over your head
Can you do just what I say?

Now turn around
(come on everybody now)
Turn around
(it's time for everybody to)
Turn around and face the wall
Can you do just what I say?

Take your wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wallet
and throw it in the bag
Take your wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wallet
and also your wa-wa-watch and your jewelry

"Hey, everyone is doing such a great job, I don't think anyone's going to get hurt!"

Lay down on the floor
(and be real still)
Lay down on the floor
(and don't say a word!)
Lay down on the floor and close your eyes

"Oy! That means everybody! It'd be a shame if someone had to get taken out this late in the game."

Do just what I say
(for your own sake!)
Do just what I say

Now we're going to go and hide. But while we do that, I want you to stay here and count really high—all the way to 1,000! As soon as you reach 1,000, you can open your eyes and go tell your friends everything we did today! But not before you reach 1,000, right. Ready? Here we go!

G'bye everybody! See you next time!

(kids count)
Track Name: Sketchy Dudes
by Mike Phirman

[ACT 1]
Every time I step on a bus, a plane, or a train,
I find myself right next to a guy who's just shy of insane
Sometimes they don't make a peep
Sometimes they feel the need to speak
and give us all advice like, "Don't go near the creek!"

There's a guy on the other side of the street
smoking a cigarette
Even though it's sunny outside
somehow he's just a silhouette
They keep popping up like zombies
in the movie "Dawn of the Dead"
Can't tell if the guy right here
wants to eat my lunch or eat my head
So I'm saying

sketchy dude
And another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I ask you

sketchy dude
and another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I'm asking

That guy wearing eye make-up
with his hair dyed black
and the piercings in his ear
I wish that he were sitting by me
instead of this dude here
This guy in the rain coat just keeps
staring at me and calling me "Slim"
Now some clown in a Burger King crow is
hiding—that's right—hiding behind him

Then later down by the Quiznos
guy with cornrows starts to shake
He's freaking out, he's having a nightmare
while he's still awake
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna see a murder
within the next three stops
I'd close my eyes, but I want to have
something to tell the cops
Something like

sketchy dude
And another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I ask you

sketchy dude
and another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I'm asking

(Sketchy Dudes Parade)

sketchy dude
And another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Where do they come from?
I ask you

sketchy dude
and another
sketchy dude
The world has so many sketchy dudes
Will they overcome? (it's happening)
Should I get a gun? (might have to)
No escaping from these sketchy dudes

[ACT 2]
So sad
You were killed while recording that song
about sketchy dudes
There was a knock at the door
You went to see who it was
And then you were killed

At first I thought it was a joke, like,
"Oh I get it—he's surrounded by sketchy dudes.
Even in his own home and now they're even in the studio. But when you didn't come to the barbecue that you said you go to if I went, too—well then I knew, then I knew that you were really killed.

But wait, how did that make it into the final recording... if you'd just been killed? How, unless the killer... mixed down the song after killing you... and then emailed it to me? Which means... he not only knew how to kill you, he also knew your email password. Oh this just keeps getting worse.

It also means he has my email address. I could be next! I better watch my back!

[ACT 3]
Good afternoon, I'm a homicide detective
Here to investigate the murders of two recording artists
Can I ask you a couple of questions?
Let's begin

Were the victims... ah huh, ah huh...
Did they ever make it seem like... ah huh, ah huh...
Did anyone ever come around acting like they might have been... ah huh, ah huh, ah huh...
So let me get this straight

First guy's singing about sketchy dudes, then he dies
Next guy sings about him and then he dies
Well, I think I know who the murderer was
It was... it was... it was... it was HIM!
(Hey, get off me! Yeah, fine I did it. I killed them both. How'd you know?)

A good cop's only as good as his informant
And I got the best kind of informant
Why not come out and take a bow, informant
Or should I say... "Sketchy Dude!"
That's right, Sketchy Dude
You never killed anyone, did you?
Even though, I kinda looked like you had
You were working for us as a very unlikely informant
You're the eyes and ears of the police department
And we need you
Track Name: Indie
by Mike Phirman

they told us not to use these words
they told us not to use these notes
they said "don't write that song"
but we did because we're Indie

their lawyers called our moms and dads
they told them they'd take all we had
so daddy said "don't do it"
but we did it cos we're Indie

these dicks at school came up to us
surrounded us behind the bus
said "make that song and you're dead"
but we made it cos we're Indie

our girlfriends told us on the phone,
"you write that and you're on your own!
just let it go!"
but we didn't cos we're Indie

so we laid down the song we had
Just me, nick, brad, and his step-dad
every station had to have it
so we had to say "NO WAY!"

So now our song's at number one
we're selling copies by the ton
they tried to sue us, but we won
the judge said "that's my JAM, son!

we've all got new girls and cars
we're VIPs at all the bars
we're only seen with other stars
and everything we want is ours

SO our next song will be...
whatever our new label says it should be based on market research within our target demographic which is white males between the ages of 14 and 21 who are into Indie