The Very Last Songs I Will Ever Record (Part 1)

by Mike Phirman

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1.
2.
CHICKEN MONKEY DUCK by Mike Phirman Monkey chicken chicken, Monkey Chicken, duck duck, Chicken monkey monkey, Chicken Monkey, chicken chicken monkey duck. Monkey duck, Chicken duck, Monkey monkey duck duck, Chicken Monkey, chicken chicken monkey, “Chicken Monkey Duck.” Chicken chicken monkey duck, Chicken Monkey, duck duck, Chicken chicken monkey, Chicken monkey, Chicken duck. Chicken duck duck, Chicken monkey monkey duck, “Chicken Monkey Duck?” Chicken duck. Monkey duck duck: Chicken chicken, monkey, Chicken, monkey monkey, Chicken Monkey. Chicken chicken monkey? Chicken, monkey monkey, “Chicken Monkey Duck.” Chicken chicken, monkey, “Chicken Monkey Duck.” Chicken chicken, duck. Chicken Monkey, monkey, Chicken Monkey—chicken duck. Duck, Chicken Monkey, Chicken chicken monkey, chicken. Duck duck, Chicken chicken, duck. Chicken, monkey monkey, Chicken! Duck duck, Chicken Monkey, Chicken chicken, monkey. Chicken Chicken (monkey monkey), Chicken monkey, “Chicken Monkey Duck.” Chicken chicken chicken, Monkey monkey, Chicken Monkey: Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck, “Goose.”
3.
CLEAR THE FLOOR by Mike Phirman Come on Gonna get your body rocking Gonna make you make you move with this Can I be honest? I'm not too crazy about this beat right here Do you think we could just start over? I'm giving up on this beat The snare comes in way too soon And the bass ain't pumpin' No, the bass ain't right at all I'm giving up on this beat It just didn't come together No one'll be jumpin' When they play this at the club No, I'm just not feelin' it I'm just not feelin' it No I'm just not feelin' it I'm just not feelin' it You better turn it off or else we're gonna Clear the floor Gonna clear the dance floor This song's gonna clear the dance floor Gonna clear the floor Gonna clear the dance floor This song's gonna make people walk away Ooo, that was a really awkward breakdown I totally lost the beat And I'm sure I'm not the only one How long has this song been going on? Three minutes? Four minutes? (A minute and a half) Are you kidding me?! I'm giving up on this beat Sounds like the drum machine is acting up Try turning it off and turning it back on Nope. Still sounds bad. I'm still just not feelin' it I'm just not feelin' it I'm still just not feelin' it You know it's not too late to quit Cos if we don't we're Gonna clear the floor Gonna clear the dance floor This song's gonna clear the dance floor Gonna clear the floor Gonna clear the dance floor This song's gonna make dancers walk away This part is WAY too slow No one would know how to dance to it (how would they move?) Unless they just bob around Bob around DJ, let that beat go Let it go Let it go No, seriously, just let it GO Oh my God... Any time you want to stop is just fine with me Any time y'all want to stop is just fine with me So many things wrong with this song It's time to fade out Let's do a fade out It's time to fade out Hurry up and fade out Oh thank God. Oh thank God Please don't remix this.
4.
Lollytown 01:22
LOLLYTOWN by Mike Phirman i ride unicorns and i like candy i go to the beach and i get sandy there's nothing i like more than my friends i was four before i was five i sailed on a cloud before i was alive my dreams are wings and life is a slide come slide with me and we can be friends we can ride bikes and we can finger paint and play with yarn and cut out shapes anything is fine as long as it's me me and my friends
5.
STREET MEAT (YOU KEEP TAUNTIN' ME) by Mike Phirman Sitting with my doctor in midtown. Just had a check-up, he's breaking it down: "No more taking the train", says the doc to me. "You've got to walk a lot more, and more importantly, you've got to pay attention to what you eat. Less meat or your heart is going to cease to beat. If you see a street cart, just keep moving on, or this time next year, you'll be dead and gone." Great. So I step out of the door and already it starts: I'm getting picked on by the smells from the street carts. "Hey, look who's trying to be healthy," they say "Oh, don't act like you don't see me today!" Leave me alone, Street Meat. Man, I'm not in the mood. Sorry, dude, but I gotta do nutritious food "It's cool. No I get it. Hey man, it's your world. Gotta keep on that diet like a good little GIRL!" And as I'm walking past, I can hear you laughing. Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat? You taunt me Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat? You taunt me Just stop tauntin' me, Street Meat You taunt me I try to move on, but you keep tauntin' mmmay Oh mmmay You keep tauntin' mmmay On every block, much to my dismmmay You keep tauntin' mmmay March, April, and Mmmay "Mother May I?" Yes, you may There it is, I can see it—without a doubt That's the cart everybody's been twittering about Gotta pick up the pace Make it a race Me versus all the salt that wants to be in my face "Oh! Look who it is now! Mr. Highbrow! Mr. 'Oh Wow, my diet won't allow cow!' Somebody get him a salad, he has some kind of malady maybe it could be some kind of allergy!" Yeah, alright. You know what? Nice gyro or gyro or however you say it I just pray it had an owner that remembered to spay it What's next? Make some lures, throw them down in the sewers, whatever you catch, gonna throw it on skewers? Your shawarma's bad karma, so's your fajita, I know PETA wouldn't approve of what you put in that pita "Wow, well said. Point taken. Guess someone else'll eat this JAMAICAN-FRIED BACON." Damn damn damn damn damn damn Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat? You taunt me Why you gotta taunt me, Street Meat? You taunt me Just stop tauntin' me, Street Meat You taunt me I try to move on, but you keep tauntin' mmmay Oh mmmay. You keep tauntin' may. Freddie Mac and Fanny Mmmae Oh Hi, Louisa Alcott! Say, what's your middle name again? Oh that's right—Mmmay I dream the same dream every night it's a carnivorous bender I'm eatin' everything in sight I'm talkin' even the vendor I start with lamb then, some hog then, some pieces of a dog scraped off of a fender I wake up safe in my room, but the odor lingers I'm chewing on something, turns out (yep!) that's my fingers Maybe I'll just grab a fork and go surrender Let 'em lay my salty body in a box marked "Return to Sender" "See you tomorrow, PRINCESS!"
6.
ONE FOR THEM & ONE FOR ME by Mike Phirman I had a job working as a bank teller Every day from nine a.m. to five I wore a tie, a jacket, and a smile Always last to leave and first to arrive But the bank, it started losing of money There was panic and whispering in the halls Then they said that I'm to blame For I played this little game As I counted out my customers' withdrawals: Let's see, that's... One for them and one for me One for them and one for me One for them then another one for me One goes out and one stays in One's a loss and one's a win More for them, well that just means more for me One for them and one for me One for them and one for me A good one for them, but a better one for me One for them and one for me One for them and one for me One for them and one more for old Number One, see They fired me for that. Well, I'll never step foot in that place again And you can take that to the bank Moving on! I spent a summer working as an orderly At a mental institution by the lake The patients were impatient and disorderly Their brains had taken more than they could take I treated them with kindness and compassion I took them out for walks among the hills The job was going great Til one day the nurse was late And they asked me, "Could you please pass out the pills?" And I said... One for them and one for me One for them and one for me One for you and, Oh, don’t mind if I do! One for them and one for me A red for them, a red for me A blue for them, a blue for You Know Who One goes out and one stays near One for there and one for here One for you and you, so two for me Three for them and three for me Four for them and four for me Five for them and five for me Six for them and six for me Seven for them and seven for me Eight for them and eight for me Nine... nine pills... nine pills Look at my hands... they're going crazy... Where was I? Seriously, I don't know where I was. Wherever it was, I'm sure I'm not allowed back. Moving on! All the food in my home has been eaten There's broken toys and diapers everywhere The halls are full of little muddy footprints And a full second of silence is rare Little hands, they root through my belongings My home is the site of a full invasion, see The place is crawling with babies 'Cause a friend suggested, "Maybe You could work at that adoption agency." And it's been... One for them and one for me One for them and one for me One for them that I end up liking, so I keep it One for them and one for me A he for them, a he for me A she for them, another she for me One for them, one for me An inch for them, an inch for me I give 2000 pounds, I keep a ton One for them and one for me One for them then one for me Then two for them, 'cause remember I owe them one. Life is all about balance, kids! No, don't balance on that! Now put that down...
7.
The Old Me 04:02
LYRICS I’m glad we’re moving on That we’ve both gotten over it Our break-up was pretty bad there for a while I look back and feel stupid It’s stupid I was mad I’ve been so juvenile But now that's all over And peace has been made There's just one little thing unsaid that needs to be... "sayed" So... that time a guy drove by and threw a sandwich at your head—that was me Last Thursday night when the nightclub said they lost your coat—that was me Social Security believes that you are dead—thanks to me When in the shower, you found that tongue instead of soap That was me. That was me. I feel really good, the truth is coming out And I’m just glad we didn’t let things go too far I may have spent $591.18 on ruining your life, But I can’t afford to let our friendship fall apart Thank God that’s all over The pain's at an end And we can be happy as friends I think enough time has passed that we can look back and laugh I know I can The last three chapters of all your books that were all torn out—that was me Who signed you up for the Scientology mailing list?—that was me Somebody peed in your Britta™—and that somebody's me Who wrote that email virus hoping it would get to you? (and I'll bet it did) That was me. That was me. Then someone told you I was sorry In a note left on your door That, that was my roommate, and because of that, He’s no one's roommate anymore I think we’ve learned a lot from this God knows I have. I learned how to: Sign your name Plug your drain Make it rain Plant drugs Drug your plants Shrink your pants Post videos of you throwing up in your hands And I was responsible for the events of September 11... 2008. They year somebody stuffed a banana in your grandma's tailpipe. And when I say "tailpipe," I'm really sorry And that time you thought that there was just one more stair—that was me And when that guy hit your new boyfriend with a bat—that was NOT me But... he did it on my behalf for a fee That filled in crossword—that was me Your new car was dirty and someone wrote “Wash Me” on the hood with a key And shot your dog... into space And that time you got drunk at the costume party and hooked up with that Japanese dude that never called you back... Hai! And on that online message board, who said, “You should go rent Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"? I didn't think you'd actually DO it That was me... The old me.
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Irony & Wine 01:51
10.
DO JUST WHAT I SAY by Mike Phirman Hey everybody! Guess who's back! You know what it's time for! Put your hands up (come on everybody) Put your hands up (it's time for everyone to) Put your hands up, up over your head Can you do just what I say? Now turn around (come on everybody now) Turn around (it's time for everybody to) Turn around and face the wall Can you do just what I say? Take your wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wallet and throw it in the bag Take your wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wallet and also your wa-wa-watch and your jewelry "Hey, everyone is doing such a great job, I don't think anyone's going to get hurt!" Lay down on the floor (and be real still) Lay down on the floor (and don't say a word!) Lay down on the floor and close your eyes "Oy! That means everybody! It'd be a shame if someone had to get taken out this late in the game." Do just what I say (for your own sake!) Do just what I say Now we're going to go and hide. But while we do that, I want you to stay here and count really high—all the way to 1,000! As soon as you reach 1,000, you can open your eyes and go tell your friends everything we did today! But not before you reach 1,000, right. Ready? Here we go! G'bye everybody! See you next time! (kids count)
11.
SKETCHY DUDES by Mike Phirman [ACT 1] Every time I step on a bus, a plane, or a train, I find myself right next to a guy who's just shy of insane Sometimes they don't make a peep Sometimes they feel the need to speak and give us all advice like, "Don't go near the creek!" There's a guy on the other side of the street smoking a cigarette Even though it's sunny outside somehow he's just a silhouette They keep popping up like zombies in the movie "Dawn of the Dead" Can't tell if the guy right here wants to eat my lunch or eat my head So I'm saying One sketchy dude And another sketchy dude The world has so many sketchy dudes Where do they come from? I ask you One sketchy dude and another sketchy dude The world has so many sketchy dudes Where do they come from? I'm asking That guy wearing eye make-up with his hair dyed black and the piercings in his ear I wish that he were sitting by me instead of this dude here This guy in the rain coat just keeps staring at me and calling me "Slim" Now some clown in a Burger King crow is hiding—that's right—hiding behind him Then later down by the Quiznos guy with cornrows starts to shake He's freaking out, he's having a nightmare while he's still awake I'm pretty sure I'm gonna see a murder within the next three stops I'd close my eyes, but I want to have something to tell the cops Something like One sketchy dude And another sketchy dude The world has so many sketchy dudes Where do they come from? I ask you One sketchy dude and another sketchy dude The world has so many sketchy dudes Where do they come from? I'm asking (Sketchy Dudes Parade) One sketchy dude And another sketchy dude The world has so many sketchy dudes Where do they come from? I ask you One sketchy dude and another sketchy dude The world has so many sketchy dudes Will they overcome? (it's happening) Should I get a gun? (might have to) No escaping from these sketchy dudes [ACT 2] So sad You were killed while recording that song about sketchy dudes There was a knock at the door You went to see who it was And then you were killed At first I thought it was a joke, like, "Oh I get it—he's surrounded by sketchy dudes. Even in his own home and now they're even in the studio. But when you didn't come to the barbecue that you said you go to if I went, too—well then I knew, then I knew that you were really killed. But wait, how did that make it into the final recording... if you'd just been killed? How, unless the killer... mixed down the song after killing you... and then emailed it to me? Which means... he not only knew how to kill you, he also knew your email password. Oh this just keeps getting worse. It also means he has my email address. I could be next! I better watch my back! [ACT 3] Good afternoon, I'm a homicide detective Here to investigate the murders of two recording artists Can I ask you a couple of questions? Let's begin Were the victims... ah huh, ah huh... Did they ever make it seem like... ah huh, ah huh... Did anyone ever come around acting like they might have been... ah huh, ah huh, ah huh... So let me get this straight First guy's singing about sketchy dudes, then he dies Next guy sings about him and then he dies Well, I think I know who the murderer was It was... it was... it was... it was HIM! (Hey, get off me! Yeah, fine I did it. I killed them both. How'd you know?) A good cop's only as good as his informant And I got the best kind of informant Why not come out and take a bow, informant Or should I say... "Sketchy Dude!" That's right, Sketchy Dude You never killed anyone, did you? Even though, I kinda looked like you had You were working for us as a very unlikely informant You're the eyes and ears of the police department And we need you
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Indie 01:41
INDIE by Mike Phirman they told us not to use these words they told us not to use these notes they said "don't write that song" but we did because we're Indie their lawyers called our moms and dads they told them they'd take all we had so daddy said "don't do it" but we did it cos we're Indie these dicks at school came up to us surrounded us behind the bus said "make that song and you're dead" but we made it cos we're Indie our girlfriends told us on the phone, "you write that and you're on your own! just let it go!" but we didn't cos we're Indie so we laid down the song we had Just me, nick, brad, and his step-dad every station had to have it so we had to say "NO WAY!" So now our song's at number one we're selling copies by the ton they tried to sue us, but we won the judge said "that's my JAM, son! we've all got new girls and cars we're VIPs at all the bars we're only seen with other stars and everything we want is ours SO our next song will be... whatever our new label says it should be based on market research within our target demographic which is white males between the ages of 14 and 21 who are into Indie

about

This is the perfect album to listen to while walking, driving, dancing, roller skating, but NOT KILLING PEOPLE.

*NOT [SPECIFICALLY] A KIDS ALBUM

credits

released May 17, 2010

All songs written, performed*, and produced by Mike Phirman

Recorded and Produced at PHIRMILAB, CA

Mastered by Joe Gastwirt Mastering, Oak Park, CA

*Except featured vocals where noted

SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Dannah, "Weird Al" Yankovic!, Danielle Kaplowitz, Lon Sterling, Arthur Feinglass, Jerry Pulles, Danielle Schneider, Joe Gastwirt, Ma, Dad, Chris Hardwick, Pete Hulne & Mike Coleman for building PHIRMILAB-A, Colin & Ronit Plank, Barry McLaughlin, Tom J. Deters, Sheldon Gomberg, The Upright Citizens Brigade, You the person that actually reads these, the letter "K", but especially Dannah

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